Church

So for some reason I am up abominably early this morning, which leaves me with a dilemma. For the past week, I've been debating whether or not I am going to church today. Earlier this week I was torn between "Well, it's not like I ever go to church, I don't want to start a church-going trend for myself" and my dad basically hounding me to go to church. "Go to the 9:15," my dad said, "I think you like that one better. You don't have to go to the same one as your mom and I."

So the reasons I don't want to go to church are as follows: one, I've never really enjoyed or believed in church and the worship service. Robert Wright's Evolution of God brings up the whole theory that worship was used in the ancient times basically to appease your god so that s/he doesn't explode you with fire. Also the Christians believe that service is used to show your devotion and love of God, and to say that you are not worthy to be loved by God. Also probably so they don't explode in fire either (the Apocalypse). I have not accepted God, either "into my life" or even as a fully fledged concept yet, so whenever I do visit church, I felt like I was visiting a cult and feel really uncomfortable. And two, church is really early on a Sunday, when I just want to be sleeping. I also don't really know anyone at church, except for the one girl that keeps smiling at me and saying "Hi" even though I don't know who she is. So essentially, I'd show up and just sit there by myself, really uncomfortable, while everyone is clapping and singing, until the thing was over, and then my parents would show up for the the later service and I'd have to awkwardly explain myself to Jair about how I am still not a Jesus freak.

Contrarily, I do feel like going to church today. Number one, I am awake at 7AM for some stupid reason, which gives me time to not only update this blog, but also to actually get to church on time. Really, what else am I going to do this morning? (Porn?) Number two, as stated above, my dad has been bugging me to go. Although if I give him the satisfaction this week, I will not hear the end of it, ever. Thirdly, ever since the mission's trip to Haiti, I've sort of felt obligated to go, as if I would be taking advantage of the church if I just used them for Haiti and then left them in the dust, laughing, which would be like the worst six-night stand ever. Especially because I didn't use them, I worked hard, and other people that went on the trip don't go to St. Matthew's (or St. Matt's, which is what the cool kids call it, which you and I are not). So finally I have also felt like I should go. One of the missionaries I met in Haiti, a team leader named Hannah, talked all the time (nonstop) about how she always "felt called" to God and to follow his wills, and she always had to look for his will. All of the times God "called her" sounded like huge coincidences to me, like when God called her to India and and she could tell because for some reason everyone she talked to for like a week kept talking about India. So I guess maybe there is some non-cynical part of me that feels like going to church and seeing if God is calling me to church.

I asked Twitter what to do and my good friend Carlo just replied: "Just go." Fine. But I get to look super cute doing it. I mean, what else am I going to do today?